Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Hey, stranger...

Ok, so no Tabletop Tuesday for a week became no Tabletop Tuesday for a month... I didn't have time to get ahead on my posts. But you know what?

I've been under a lot of stress. Being a grad student doesn't pay very well. Working on a dissertation topic that, while interesting, reminds me of how far I am from what I want to study and why I went into this field is crushing. I've been fighting with my depression and anxiety a lot lately. The weather is getting cold and wet and gray, and though I actually like this weather, it seems oppressive here. I've spent a lot of time questioning myself, what I'm doing, and what I need to change to be happier. And in spite of these questions, I still have no idea just what the frak I'm doing with myself.

I haven't touched my bagpipes in the last couple of months. I want to blow off D&D because it's easier to stay in, work a couple of extra hours, sit in front of the TV until bedtime. I force myself out of the house for D&D on Wednesdays, but it's been harder since our group was changed up and we got a new DM with an irregular schedule. But I'm not letting myself sit at home alone like I want to. Gotta keep moving, gotta keep working, nothing will change or improve if I sit still.

I applied for a part-time retail job. I worked retail in college, and between the managers and the customers it was such a horrible experience that ten years later I still remember the name of the first customer who treated me like shit without any reason other than her own self-entitlement. But adjuncting, tutoring, TAing doesn't pay very well and the contracts only last a semester. As nervous as I am about being back in a retail position, I hope I get the job because I need the money.

The SDCC pre-registration badge sale is this Saturday. I hope, hope, HOPE I get a badge again. This will be my third year at SDCC if I do, and it's to the point where I really don't know how I would react if it didn't work out! I suppose I'd live vicariously through my Twitter Buddies' feeds and plan to visit a couple of East Coast conventions instead, but I would miss the excitement of being there, right in the thick of it. I don't feel entitled to a badge, and I know my odds are as good as anyone else in pre-reg - but just like everyone else, I am hoping I'm the lucky Cheerio that gets scooped out of the bowl! (Be the Cheerio!)

Whether or not I get a badge, I am feeling so thankful for this badge sale right now. Planning for SDCC means thinking ahead, about what I want to accomplish by July, and the optimism that comes with that. It can be a pleasant distraction or a looming deadline, both of which I need right now.

I'll get back to blogging eventually. I need to meet a couple of deadlines first, then build up a stockpile of posts so I don't get derailed if a week comes up where I can't take a moment to write something new. Thanks for reading.


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